There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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