By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
