I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
