this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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