The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
