no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I want to fling myself into the sun
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
