Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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