Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
