Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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