I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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