Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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