I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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