you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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