So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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