pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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