I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
