I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
