just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
