I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
