whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
