So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Randomize
