i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
