I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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