i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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