When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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