I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
