I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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