The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
