Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
