just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
People in love make me want to vomit
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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