woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
