Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
