you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
