Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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