now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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