Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
