I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
