I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
