Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
