i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize