it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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