I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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