Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
