i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
