Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
