i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
