There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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