I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
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Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
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The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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