i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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