dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How does one acquire holy water?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
