South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
