Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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