The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
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