we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
