What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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