Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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