wanna go halves on a baby?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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