I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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