Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
