The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
